News! (WARNING: Humor/Satire)

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Here’s the latest:

In further efforts to make churches big and never offend anyone, Baptists who routinely preach the importance of a “Revival spirit” verses a “Rival spirit” despite not having good explanations for either of those terms, are now beginning their public prayers, “To whom it may concern…” The more progressive among them are also beginning all sermons with, “Turn in your Bibles…. to these gentlemen over here. You' won’t be needing them”. In a recent Q & A panel with a number of these progressive, blended Baptists, several of them expressed a desire to start more churches, but lamented the lack of available shopping malls and movie theaters for rent, as well as how mad everyone would get over their “cool church name” idea.

Meanwhile, in the South, several churches are in legal “hot water” for amending their church constitutions requiring prospective new members to surrender any and all casserole recipes before they can be affirmed as members. Several Christian legal organizations are advising against these changes, citing the 4th Amendment. So far, the churches in question have only responded by citing Acts 2:44. Some of the members of church leadership have stated they are willing to reconsider, but the process will likely take months to pass through the committee on the formation of committees for selecting committee members for the Committee on Unexpected Legal Problems.

Photo by  Nacho Arteaga  on  Unsplash

In other news, several recent twitter polls conducted by user @KJB161211wuztook revealed that nearly thirty percent of Baptist pastors who suffer from male pattern baldness secretly envy religions where the clergy get to wear funny hats.

In another poll by the same user, twenty-nine percent of charismatic leaning Baptists joined their church because they were wanting to try an aerobics class, but church was cheaper and required less commitment.

Controversy continues to brew amid accusations that some Baptists believe in a form of the Romanist doctrine of Transubstantiation. Critics of these Baptists are suggesting that by praying “Please bless this food to nourishment of our bodies”, that Baptists are intimating that God will turn fried chicken and biscuits into salad upon ingestion. Some Baptist leaders have responded that the allegations are ridiculous saying, “We realize it’s profoundly unhealthy food, but one can only hope.” In efforts to be consistent, some reformed churches are also adding, “please bless this air to the respiration of our cells”, and then adding Quinoa and Oat Fiber to everything.

In business news, the market is approaching saturation with Baptist Web-design startups. Unsure of the cause of this uptick, we reached out to several. We received only one reply from an entrepreneur who wished to remain anonymous who said: “Stock photos are worldly. The only holy way to build a website is with Clip-Art”. We were unable to pursue further questioning over the phone due to angry, indiscernible screaming because we asked a question.

A Kickstarter is now in the works by several prominent Independant Baptist musicians working together to produce the first known hymnal to contain only the first, second, and fourth verses of every four verse hymn. When asked why such a hymnal would be useful, the publisher said, “It’s ‘green’ I suppose, but really nobody uses the third verses anyway.” So far, the Kickstarter doesn’t seem to be garnering much support with most of the commenters citing “tradition”.

Photo by  Bill Craighead  on  Unsplash

A different Kickstarter that is expected to exceed its funding goal is a line of hard candies designed specifically for use in church. Each piece comes individually wrapped in cloth instead of the usual, maddeningly loud, plastic wrappers. The company hopes their product will reduce the prevalence of “dirty looks” and “side-eye” in church. The most backed flavors at present are “Holy Hush Mount Caramel”, “Silent Sucker Strawberry,” “Be Still My Sour Cherry,” and “Church Banana Split”. For those impetuous types who crunch their hard candies, the company is also working on a soft version known as “Pew Chews”. One of the first excited backers of the product commented, “I’m going to pass these out to everyone at my church! Last week, I tried to ‘amen’ during the preaching and someone simultaneously cleared their throat really loud. So, naturally, I had to say it again so the preacher and everyone else would hear me. Maybe now everyone else won’t miss the point of the preaching.”

Continue to check here for updates. Or don’t.