Four-ish Steps To Wildly Popular Christian Content Online (WARNING: SATIRE)

I'm putting it right here: The following is SATIRE! In case it isn't clear - SATIRE! SATIRE!!

How do you grow Bible content creation online? Well, you've come to the right place. Millions of people have never wondered the same thing. But since Christian content creation typically requires far fewer medical bills than repeatedly banging your head against a wall, you might as well try it. 

So, for your enlightenment, I've prepared the following article. You'll thank me for having written it. 

1). Use anything other than the King James Version of the Bible. Sure, not everyone who is "King James Only" is a raging, dead-behind-the-eyes Ruckmanite, but who cares? The largest professing Christian audiences don't know the difference anyway, so, don't take any chances. No KJVO for you! What was that sound you ask? That's your site's unique visits climbing. 

2). If creating audio or visual media, always use intros and outros with the wildest music possible. The louder and more obnoxious, the better. It doesn't even matter if people like it or not. That's not the point. Its purpose is to send the message... ahem.... loudly that you're not one of those uptight Baptists who think that God actually cares about the people that represent Him being different from the world. I mean, why would He care about that? 

If you want to be less overt, you can simply use intro's and outro's that are only mildly on the contemporary side, but we're aiming for massive growth, so you might as well go "all-in".

The best part? No one will ever notice that you're pandering because you didn't actually use words. Well, it's not actual pandering anyway. It's just catering to the lowest common denominator. Totally different thing. 

3). Use words strategically. Say "Connection" and "Small groups" as much as is reasonably achievable. In fact, forget about being reasonable. Just use them a lot. When you talk about visitor cards, say "Connection cards". See, didn't that sound cool? Instead of Bible studies, say "Small groups". Why? Who knows, but all the big content creators are doing it. Never talk about Evangelism. Instead, be "On mission". See, it's the little things. 

The great thing is that there is actually nothing Biblically wrong with using any of these terms and phrases, so you're golden! What's that sound, you ask? That's the sound of your growing listenership frantically typing to you about their undying gratitude for how you've changed their life, while you bask in the simple glory of Shibboleth words. 

4). Make frequent use of pop culture references, in particular, Netflix shows that contain "mature" content. This way, your audience will know that you would never think less of them for watching smut because it's subtly implied that you do too! Because you produce Christian content, people are supposed to presume that you don't really watch "the bad parts". If they don't presume that you watch "the bad parts", then they're fine with you because you are like them and that's the ideal Christian today anyway- one who isn't any different. If they do presume you avoid "the bad parts" then your reputation is preserved. Always let the audience fill in the blanks. It's a win-win!

There you have it. Four simple steps you can take today to get started producing Bible-related content online. Using these steps, you can be as theological as you like, and talk about Jesus and the Gospel as much as you like. You can even negatively comment about many political and social issues of our day, and people will take you more seriously than other Christians who actually stand for something. 

Oh, and if I had to add a fifth step, it would be to never, ever write satire mocking people that you think are panderers. Panderers don't listen. And people who do listen tend to not share satire on the internet anyway. Just don't do it. You're welcome.