Baptist Tech News (WARNING: SATIRE)

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TECH NEWS

(WARNING: SATIRE)

WARNING: This post contains satire.

A recently spawned, small tech start-up is growing like “gang-busters” by fulfilling a niche market in the Independent Baptist world. Using Artificial Intelligence software, the app developer, Glory, LLC has created an app for ministers who take photos of their church altars during invitations. The app, simply called Full Altar, is simple to use. Just open the app and point the camera at the altar when there is at least two or three praying people.

Using proprietary algorithms, the app clones the praying people. Then, using “onion-skinning” to align the images, you simply drag the clones to other places at the altar to fill in empty spaces. You can also change the clothing colors on the cloned assets for added realism. Then just click save and the app will automatically share the image to your Twitter feed with the auto-populated text “Full altar! Gloraaaay!! Please Retweet if you want a blessing.”

When interviewed, the lead software engineer explained, “It seems like a simple app, but it’s actually quite complex. We’ve spent months working on the user experience. Considering the primary demographic of the users, we had to pare down the User Interface to the fewest and simplest steps possible. Once we were satisfied with the initial version of the app, we rigorously tested it letting toddlers learn to use it. After that, we moved on to chimpanzees. Once it passed that bar and they were able to successfully operate the app, we knew it was ready for the users.”

At a high profile church where the app was being beta tested, the minister told us, “In the old days, we had to crop out the empty ends of the altar in pictures. This new-fangled technology solves it.” We also tried interviewing some church members there but most said they weren’t allowed to talk to the media.

Glory, LLC is also working on a social app that is in testing now that allows users to upload selfies with new converts to an interactive map. The app, called “My Trophy Catch”, is designed similarly to the fishing apps for anglers, but geared toward “Fishers of men”. You can zoom in anywhere and see clickable icons where someone has made what the developers called, “a decision”. We were unable to ascertain a coherent answer from anyone as to exactly what a “decision” is. In the words of Glory, LLC’s marketing director, “We don’t know what that is, but validating yourself in ministry has never been easier.”

When uploading in the app, you can fill in tons of helpful information including the counselors’ name as well as the converts first name, age, socio-economic background, past sinful habits, and newly acquired evangelistic goals. In addition to the “convert selfie” you can also upload an image of their spiritual birth certificate for posterity and so that no one will be able to question their salvation ever.

The future is most definitely bright.